An open letter to my neighbours

Dear neighbours,
I have come to the conclusion that my ‘not to subtle stares’ and ‘talking very loudly on the balcony about my issues’ tactics are not getting through. I Am therefore left with no choice but to write a letter of complaint on a blog that you will never read. I believe you have it coming.

Firstly, I feel I need to inform you that the harder you slam your door has no relationship or bearing to how securely it is closed. Burglars will not be foiled by this tactic, they will not reach your door and find that it has been slam locked and so give up and look for a more considerate persons door. It will not protect you from nuclear fallout. When the dust settles and the rescue teams, in hazmat suits, come to search for survivors, they will not find you alive and well. The tabloids will not run the headline ‘Door slammers are fallout out jammers’. Force of slam + noise of door shutting = safety. No.

In addition, the cigarette butt collage on the balcony is not considered art, so please feel free to use an ashtray and not your window. If this does not change then I shall douse my balcony in petrol so that I have an early warning system and can find out who is chucking them. Yes, this may burn down our block of flats, but the upside to this is that you, being higher up, will take longer to escape. I also feel that if an investigation goes ahead, you will be the one held to account for physically starting the fire.

Finally, buzzing my door at 3 in the morning will not have the desired effect of me letting you in. It will make me swear at you through the intercom. I may also decide to get up at 6.30am just to buzz your buzzer repeatedly. I would expect you to swear at me back and accept that outcome with a smirk.

In conclusion, I feel that this letter should put a stop to all my gripes. Please find my obscure blog, read it, make the link between it and me, take it on board, change your ways and consider your neighbours. The alternative is unthinkable. I may have to speak to you in person. As a Londoner, I feel this breaks many social etiquette rules.

Yours sincerely,

Andrew Thomas (flat 3)

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